i've been really bummed out lately.

about everything.

i wasn't ready for this quarter to start.
i'm still burnt out from fall quarter,
and frankly,
i wasn't ready for spring quarter to end.
but it did.
and things are different.
and it was all ok until a few days ago.

i tend to be melodramatic when in emotional ruts like this one.
when i'm searching for feeling and i can't find it.
when i don't feel like i can connect to anything.
at least i know it's me being melodramatic,
and that this rut is incredibly temporary.

i'm sure it's just apathy. i know it is.
i want people and fun and a social life and good grades to come to me.
but i don't feel like any of it.
i don't listen to any of it.
i don't take advantage of any of it.
it's miserable and lame.
admittance helps i think.

i need a good cry to happen and some girl talk.
the girl talk is happening soon,
the cry always seems to come when it feels like it.
until then,
a smidge of pictures of people who makes me happy.

cold weather and damien rice go well together.

i have no idea what i'm going to do when i graduate.
the date is november 19, 2008. mark your calendars.
for every thing that i like about hr, there's a negative that far outweighs it.
i can't be heartless for a living.
i also can't let my parents pay for 4 1/4 years of school to be a secretary.
grad school was a thought, but then i remembered my gpa.
the list of companies/organizations is a weird one, but one full of things i think i'd actually like.
we'll see how all that goes.

i have a pet. she lives at the peach orchard.
her name is midge. i go out there to visit her and read at least once a week.
i look forward to the day i can take her home.

two of my best friends are getting married a little over 2 months from now.
i wish it was tomorrow. i bet they do too.
they just found the perfect place to live, which i will get to visit 2 weeks from now.
their visit was just what ruston needed. everything was just as it used to be for that 1 day.
i miss their faces and their hearts, but they'll always be there...even if it isn't close.

i'm going on a mission trip in 4 months.
i have no idea how i'm going to pay for it.
i've never been on a trip like this.
i'm ready for it to change my life.




reasons driving to baton rouge every other weekend is worth it:
- catch up phone calls during the drive
- mary ann, rachel, and matt find an excuse to come visit.
- seeing friends that mean more to me than they could ever know.
- st. alban's
- stephen


"i remember it well
the first time that i saw your head round the door
cause mine stopped working
i remember it well
there was wet in your hair
you were stood in the stair and time stopped moving
i want you here tonight i want you here 'cause i can't believe what i've found
i want you here tonight want you here
nothing is taking me down"


i love him.

i met mr. mitchum today.

"I once listened to an Indian on television
say that God was in the wind and the water,
and I wondered at how beautiful that was
because it meant you could swim in Him or
have Him brush your face in a breeze."

I felt it today.

I had to get out of the house.
I tried to bring a camera,
but it wasn't working.
it was probably for the best anyways,
it would've been impossible
to capture all the beauty I saw today.
i learned so much about what made me feel.


ruston is where it's at.

school just isn't the same.

there was once an idea that i'd keep a journal on a daily basis,
along with adding lots of productive hobbies to my life.
i've now abandoned all hope
of that ever coming to fruition on a regular basis,
and while i should probably be upset that
i can't consistently hold up
to the ideas i have for the betterment of myself,
i've learned to shrug it off.

i just saw a commercial for Monopoly without cash.
They use debit cards.
what is the world coming to?
it's changes like this that make me a packrat,
saving as much from my childhood as possible.
i want my kids to work puzzles and play cards and board games and catch...
to become creative and sharp and fun the old fashioned way.



life up until this week has been pretty easy going in retrospect.
sometimes, i don't know what i get myself into.

family dinners are worth the effort put into them.

love is in the air, as far as ruston goes.
it seems to be the cultivation vat for it.
yes, ruston is the vat, because I feel like I'm surrounded
by people who are getting engaged or married,
and whether it does or not,
it feels like it all starts here.
most of it does.
I still can't decide if I'm discouraged by the idea of marriage in itself
or if I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm still waiting for everyone to get here.
like all the people that meant the most to me in the past year
are unloading their bags in a few days.
it's really too bad that they're not.

all those days of telling me I should move to baton rouge,
and it's finally starting to sound appetizing.

reading good books makes me happy.
having time to read makes me happy too.

i hope i don't get lost in the crowd this fall.