i've been really bummed out lately.

about everything.

i wasn't ready for this quarter to start.
i'm still burnt out from fall quarter,
and frankly,
i wasn't ready for spring quarter to end.
but it did.
and things are different.
and it was all ok until a few days ago.

i tend to be melodramatic when in emotional ruts like this one.
when i'm searching for feeling and i can't find it.
when i don't feel like i can connect to anything.
at least i know it's me being melodramatic,
and that this rut is incredibly temporary.

i'm sure it's just apathy. i know it is.
i want people and fun and a social life and good grades to come to me.
but i don't feel like any of it.
i don't listen to any of it.
i don't take advantage of any of it.
it's miserable and lame.
admittance helps i think.

i need a good cry to happen and some girl talk.
the girl talk is happening soon,
the cry always seems to come when it feels like it.
until then,
a smidge of pictures of people who makes me happy.

cold weather and damien rice go well together.

i have no idea what i'm going to do when i graduate.
the date is november 19, 2008. mark your calendars.
for every thing that i like about hr, there's a negative that far outweighs it.
i can't be heartless for a living.
i also can't let my parents pay for 4 1/4 years of school to be a secretary.
grad school was a thought, but then i remembered my gpa.
the list of companies/organizations is a weird one, but one full of things i think i'd actually like.
we'll see how all that goes.

i have a pet. she lives at the peach orchard.
her name is midge. i go out there to visit her and read at least once a week.
i look forward to the day i can take her home.

two of my best friends are getting married a little over 2 months from now.
i wish it was tomorrow. i bet they do too.
they just found the perfect place to live, which i will get to visit 2 weeks from now.
their visit was just what ruston needed. everything was just as it used to be for that 1 day.
i miss their faces and their hearts, but they'll always be there...even if it isn't close.

i'm going on a mission trip in 4 months.
i have no idea how i'm going to pay for it.
i've never been on a trip like this.
i'm ready for it to change my life.




reasons driving to baton rouge every other weekend is worth it:
- catch up phone calls during the drive
- mary ann, rachel, and matt find an excuse to come visit.
- seeing friends that mean more to me than they could ever know.
- st. alban's
- stephen


"i remember it well
the first time that i saw your head round the door
cause mine stopped working
i remember it well
there was wet in your hair
you were stood in the stair and time stopped moving
i want you here tonight i want you here 'cause i can't believe what i've found
i want you here tonight want you here
nothing is taking me down"


i love him.

i met mr. mitchum today.

"I once listened to an Indian on television
say that God was in the wind and the water,
and I wondered at how beautiful that was
because it meant you could swim in Him or
have Him brush your face in a breeze."

I felt it today.

I had to get out of the house.
I tried to bring a camera,
but it wasn't working.
it was probably for the best anyways,
it would've been impossible
to capture all the beauty I saw today.
i learned so much about what made me feel.


ruston is where it's at.

school just isn't the same.

there was once an idea that i'd keep a journal on a daily basis,
along with adding lots of productive hobbies to my life.
i've now abandoned all hope
of that ever coming to fruition on a regular basis,
and while i should probably be upset that
i can't consistently hold up
to the ideas i have for the betterment of myself,
i've learned to shrug it off.

i just saw a commercial for Monopoly without cash.
They use debit cards.
what is the world coming to?
it's changes like this that make me a packrat,
saving as much from my childhood as possible.
i want my kids to work puzzles and play cards and board games and catch...
to become creative and sharp and fun the old fashioned way.



life up until this week has been pretty easy going in retrospect.
sometimes, i don't know what i get myself into.

family dinners are worth the effort put into them.

love is in the air, as far as ruston goes.
it seems to be the cultivation vat for it.
yes, ruston is the vat, because I feel like I'm surrounded
by people who are getting engaged or married,
and whether it does or not,
it feels like it all starts here.
most of it does.
I still can't decide if I'm discouraged by the idea of marriage in itself
or if I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm still waiting for everyone to get here.
like all the people that meant the most to me in the past year
are unloading their bags in a few days.
it's really too bad that they're not.

all those days of telling me I should move to baton rouge,
and it's finally starting to sound appetizing.

reading good books makes me happy.
having time to read makes me happy too.

i hope i don't get lost in the crowd this fall.

my tax return amounted to $18.

to hear of passion as if it were in a movie
from someone who I feel I can claim as a best friend
is such a good feeling. she didn't have to tell me it was love.
i already knew.
but to realize that it does exist on that level
and that being "cheesy" isn't always a bad thing...
it's definately news to me.
but i couldn't be happier.

i'm apparently a subscriber to "Eating Well"
"where good taste meets good health".
who knew?

there are still so many things i wish i knew about you,
but it's way too awkward.

good surprises are always worth it.

I've had my first breakdown of a week where
I'm sure there are many more to come.

if I were in Ruston right now,
now would be an appropriate time for a group hug.
instead I'm at home, and I don't want to leave...

mostly because I don't want to say goodbye.

my grandma is going crackers...

and it runs in the family.
one day, i'll be crackers too.
and diabetic...but that's besides the point.

why is it that getting old is such an exciting milestone pre-21 and such a heartbreaking era post-senior citizen? my grandma feels like she can't function anymore, which worries me because she doesn't really function so well to begin with. but what confidence can you give to someone who doesn't know how to pump gas or didn't realize that her lamp and her television can turn on with the simple click of a button instead of a timer or can't do a thing in life without making a list first, and then losing it. ay carumba.

my favorite songs right now:

- hide and seek - imogen heap

- on call - kings of leon

- under pressure - david bowie and queen

- don't stop believin' - journey

- give it up - the format

for the first time in years, i'm single AND i like it. so much, even, that dating is not an option for me at the moment. i don't want it to be. mostly because my "milestones" have to fall into place before i'm willing to make some crazy changes in my life. milestones that include:
1. do well in school
2. graduate
3. move to Austin
4. find the first love of my life (a fat puppy which will be named figgs)
5. get a job i love, even if it's not what i want to do for the rest of my life
besides all that, i like caring about friends right now. a lot. and i wouldn't give them up for the world.

i'm making myself a dress. soon. and it's going to look like this. i hope.

i like having friends that i know will be important to me for the rest of my life.

my childhood crush was "JTT".

yes. I was officially a member of the jonathan taylor thomas fan club. with quality films like home improvement, wild america, the adventures of tom and huck, and the lion king, who wouldn't be? I'm curious to know if that fan club membership guarantees me for life, or if it even exists anymore.

other guilty tidbits-
- I have a strange love for terrible music...more specifically terrible rap, pop, and your classic oldies hits.
- An ESPN classic I will always watch is the World's Strongest Man Competition. With gruff-voiced commentators announcing "minor" injuries like popped biceps, I can't help but be sucked in. Mariusz Pudzianowski will always be the number 1 "freak show" in my heart.


I'm no amazing friend to anyone below the age of 5, but tonight, for the first time in my life, I felt at home with a baby in myarms. with the strong desire to go to sleep and the idea to cry about the fact he hadn't done it yet, Bryce had been randomly shreiking in my ear and drooling on my shirt for an hour and a half. after numerous attempts to play with anything and everything, change diapers, and be put into a normal sleeping position, he wasn't having it anymore, and neither was I. it was the usual curse that haunts me when I get around younger children, that they hate me, and compared to the thought of me entertaining them, suicide would've been what they opted for had they known what it was. it was miserable and heartbreaking to see that the happeist baby (on a regular basis) I've ever seen was incredibly upset, and it was all my fault...at least that's what said curse led me to believe. ready to cry and go find his mom, I was left at a stand off with my last resort. I pulled every quality, non-explicit song I could think of out of my book of "cheesy songs most people shouldn't know the words to" and I sang to this poor child. fearing that it hurt him more than it hurt me, we started with the classic "rock a bye baby" and, after 10ish rounds of that, moved onto the patriotic songs my grandma used to hum when she was frustrated with any family member, including herself. he started to quiet down, and eyelashes quickly fluttered to a close as I sang this baby to sleep. breathing a deep sigh of relief, I'd avoided the headache that was working its way into my night and had almost sung myself to sleep as well. it seemed as if the curse was completely removed from my system, and feeling it all happen was one of the better moments of my life.

it's nice to think that I could be a mom one day. who knows...I might even be a good one.

i need to start letting people know i think about them when i think about them and not let the memories fall by the wayside.

I'm slowly deciding what to do with my life...the one that starts when I graduate. I've been looking up interesting things about Austin and falling in love with it more and more each day. It's weird to think that that time in my life is advancing so quickly; I'm not even 20, and yet in a year I'll be a college graduate. Saving up for furniture, a future apartment, realizing that my parents won't be my financial support forever. I don't know what it means to be on my own, nor am I ready to find out. I guess I'll experience it soon enough...better enjoy the safety while it lasts.

There are things about people that one learns over time, like things they're passionate about or what their favorite snack is or what they feel when they listen to a certain song. It's things like that that make me miss the people I love...and some I don't. One of the best things about getting to know friends is discovering those things about them that make them unique--the quirky thing they do that might usually go unnoticed.



I notice.

i've inherited a knack for puzzles.

if life were as simple as these puzzles, maybe I'd be better at it. I wonder whose place I'd rather be in...his or mine.

i have geographic tongue

and this week, it looks like this.

gross, right? in case you're wondering about this whole "disease", as it looks, the lighter portion in the middle of the tongue is what color the whole thing is supposed to be. the "raw patches" are caused and placed at random due to God knows what...usually stress. I didn't think I was that stressed out...apparently my stress is out of control. for those of you who may now be discouraged to eat/drink after me, have no worries. it's not contagious. I'm not real sure why I got it in the first place...I guess that's what a senior year in high school will do to you.


today feels like another one of those days needed to be spent by myself. I'm not in the mood to see people...not because I don't appreciate them being present in my life and not because I need a reflective day. I think about my life enough already. in fact, I'm now making the decision to think about other people's lives over mine. it's much nicer to see that those around me are happy.actually, I'm not sure where this mood comes from, but its here.


it's beautiful outside minus the slight chill, and thoughts stirring within me say to hell with my bad knees, and that it's a perfect day for a "hard day" run out on Cypress...pushing myself to the limit and running down hills so fast it doesn't feel like I'm running. it feels like a day for accomplishing things, and yet, I have work that I should be at now and a basketball game I refuse to not attend.

so now, after an accomplishing day at work, I feel better about things and am looking forward to what this evening might lend. basketball is in roughly 30 minutes, and I'm stoked. why do I love it so much? I don't know, but it's hard to find a better feeling than chills from a close, winning game. to celebrate with others in their success. to be present in that moment. if only we had more supportive fans.

speaking of fans, I'm watching the "Super Bowl Sports Center", and they just did a pan of the crowd of fans. in the midst of da Bears fans was a man in a Marlins jersey. wrong sport, wrong state, wrong jersey. as I keep telling myself, "get it together."

if i could do anything with my life, regardless of skill or practice, I'd be in a broadway musical.

my life has become slightly more regimented...thank goodness. I accomplish things much better when they are written in a list that is in front of me at all times, and I'm slowly coming to know how Earl feels once a task has been crossed off.

of course it's still a mess...my life I mean. or at least what I surround myself with. my room smells oddly of pumpkin and peanut butter, which weirds me out because i had a PB&J bagel for lunch today, and I can't decide whether or not the smell is going to hinder my craving of anything peanut buttery for the next few days. my car is not my own; it's finally getting rid of dents thanks to the accident that occured just a few days before christmas. instead I'm driving murf (my mom's car), which makes me feel like I'm in an aquarium. the "TECH MOM" sticker on the back makes me want to attach a flashing billboard, letting all onlookers know that I'm not a mom, except to a new goldfish who has finally decided that there is more to life than stressing out on the bottom of the bowl and that eating is a great idea.

reasons I like Ruston:
- friends. I make more every day, and am, unfortunately, losing most of them to their graduation in May. there are quite a few others I've lost along the way, and am hoping to eventually gain them back before I leave for good...whenever that is. they occupy most of my time these days, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
- roads. no matter where you drive in this town, it's impossible to get lost. exploring them is one of the many ways I love to spend my time.
- lack of entertainment. as much as it sucks to have to drive 30 minutes to do any kind of "important", I love sharing the moments with other people while, usually they, decide what to do with our spare time.




this will always be one of my favorite days.

i like finding songs that feel like they're written about me. they let me know that i'm not the only one that's crazy.

so this was written, partially in my head and partially on paper, last week sometime…around Tuesday. life has changed a lot since then, but I figured a late post is better than none at all. so here goes.



“all my bags are packed, I’m ready to go…”
that’s right…my bags are still
packed. I’m honestly afraid to unpack them in fear of finding things I
don’t really want to see…like how many items of clothing I own, but can’t really
fit into or don’t really wear until I’m out of laundry—really just the amount of
things in my life that need to be sorted through in the near future. the
clothes are clean, at least, but from the looks of my room, one would guess
otherwise.

after lots of working and several sporadic trips to
Benton, Baton Rouge, and the Mandeville/Covington/New Orleans area, I’m about
driven out, and for the first time, I wasn’t ready for break to be over.
some things I rediscovered and some I learned while I was on the
road…
· I’ll never be too old to enjoy a
fort.
· shopping is direly unsuccessful when
one feels/appears to be 40 years old and stomping through a mid life
crisis.
· “simple” is my favorite way of
life.
· my sense of direction is
impeccable.
· straying from the familiar is
completely worth it. sticking to your guns is too.



**right now, I’m watching Scream 3. it’s quite incredible…and by incredible I mean incredibly terrible. I’d sadly forgotten how many people die in these movies and how lame the characters are that the writers have chosen to keep alive. I’d also forgotten that this series came out just as Courtney Cox and David Arquette became an item, Patrick Dempsey is in this movie, and I haven’t seen Neve Campbell since this movie.

do you ever have a night where the only company you want is your own?
tonight is one of those nights.