there are some things that i refuse to change about myself because they're "typical loucke." i want to see friends years from now and be familiar.

so last night at work, I gave my two weeks notice.

the beginning of the end.

I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart sank when I hung up from that phone call.

I've been so excited about moving and being somewhere else

that I didn't even begin to think about how much I'd miss Ruston...

not until last night.

There are so many places to revisit before I leave,

so many people to hang out with.

I finally understand what made Rachel so upset the night I left town.

who wants to spend their last night in Ruston doing something they never do?

it's supposed to be spent reminiscing in those places where so many memories were made

with your best friends that made your college years the best you've ever had.

Ruston has changed so much already, tearing down and rebuilding lots of old hang outs.

I refuse to let all those memories waste away like the buildings that entertained them.

I'm glad Matt and Rachel are coming to visit the week I get out of school.

it's going to make doing so many of those things possible.

to live out the last perfect week in Ruston, minus a few key friends.  : (

it's the week we should've had when everyone else graduated.

Baton Rouge is still a good move, I think.

my mom found out yesterday that she got on Bobby Jindal's Hospice Board after applying on a whim,

which means that along with the fact that she's incredible,

she'll be in BR on the reg.

I'm 75% sure I have an apartment...now all I need is a job.

after 1 1/2 months of searching and applying, it still hasn't proven fruitful.

but I know that God will provide,

so I'm letting Him guide that decision process.

as for now, I'm praying for one last good month...

one before the end turns into an exciting new beginning.

miss tech pageant: easily one of the best things you could ever attend at louisiana tech

i feel like 100 million things have happened since august,

which is usually the case when i get around to write on here.

i haven't written anywhere really in a long time,

but i've got a lot on my mind,

so i guess i'll start with that.

when i got back to school in september (and should have been registering for graduation),

i found out that i'd be at tech for another quarter to take one class

(which is now at 8 am 3 days  a week...hah)

before they'd let me graduate.

it was a really distressing and confusing time because

i was so convinced that my plans wouldn't change.

later on, you'll find (as i did) that my plans don't ever stop changing and

that it's pretty much pointless for me to attempt to make plans in the first place.

and of course now that i'm still here,

i'm really thankful for the extended opportunity to be a better person to people i've met here.

and while some days i'm bored out of my mind,

i know that i'm still here for a reason,

and i'm glad to be discovering that.

in my spare time,

i'm taking up baking, which i'm getting pretty good at.

i'm also plugging into crossroads more,

which has been really wonderful.

besides being a baptist church, 

which isn't especially my thing, but i can dig it,

it has everything that i could want in a church.

everyone's so nice and they're creepy like me in that they know about people without even having met them.

they knew about me, which is really surprising for some reason.

being with these people and getting more in touch with God through relationships and encouragement from them has made me full of joy.

it makes my week every week.

i also got a puppy!

her name is sassafras,

and she's pretty much the cutest dog ever.

she's a jumper and a biter,

but she's my sweet girl.

today's actually her 4 month birthday,

and if she wasn't at my parents' house,

i'd be there to spoil her and make her wear a birthday hat.

thankfully (and surprisingly), she's pretty willing to subject herself to my torturous outfits.

she has reindeer antlers...AND a raincoat.

pretty freakin cute.

i feel like getting a pet is an insight into having children.

so precious...and expensive.

financially, getting a pet probably wasn't the best idea.

but i'm learning how to manage that and all the responsibilities that come with being a good dog owner.

during thanksgiving break,

stephen and i broke up.

it's still so crazy to me...to lose the person i thought i was going to marry.

he was my best friend, which was the best part of our relationship and the very reason i thought i would be spending the rest of my life with him.

i know it's all for the best

AND that i'm definitely ok.

God doesn't give anyone a change that they can't handle,

and it's certainly not the end of the world.

i continue to surprise myself with how ok i've been.

i'll see him for the first time this weekend...

hopefully i haven't been lying to myself too much about all that.

it should be interesting.

it's made me questions relationships a lot though, lately.

mostly because people change best friends all the time...

we go through life ending up with numerous best friends and without a lot of them as well,

whether it's due to distance or stages of life or disagreements or circles of friends.

how do you know that you're actually going to be that intimate with any best friend for the rest of your life?

how do you start all over again?

we always manage to do it, but it seems like a process that just happens and that it isn't one you can just figure out.

i really want to figure it out though.

until then, i'll continue to learn more about myself and what it takes to be a good person in any relationship.

it's so important!

i'm still planning to move to baton rouge.

i'd made up my mind with both scenarios (with or without stephen) accounted for a long time ago,

and now i'm really set on AND excited to be around more of my friends.

even thinking about looking for a job is crazy stressing me out.

i'm not particularly sure where to begin,

but i'm hoping to get a lot accomplished over christmas break.

i've been going to the career center to get a potential head start...

we'll see how that turns out.

wish me luck.

i actually like baton rouge.

so after being at home for less than a day,
i've already become almost completely absorbed
with the internet. and the tv.
it's ridiculous really...how boring benton is.
how lame i get when i come home.

i wish i had some friends here.
and money would be nice too.
anything that could get me out of the house for any period of time.

perhaps later this week i'll get a book from the library
and spend the day at a coffee shop or in the park to read.


another thing i'm excited about,
and have been excited about since this blog began...
cooking.

my sources for inspiration are as follows.
- the pioneer woman. a site we cooked dinner from last week
when i was in covington. it was freaking delicious. and it has pictures.
- food network. my most recent tv obsession aside from the olympics.
it has everything. and it's always good.


every time i go to baton rouge,
i get more and more excited about being there all the time.
my ability to be there without stephen by my side 24/7 is relieving.
i certainly had a fear that i'd be suffocating,
but as it were, i have plenty of friends there too.
and plenty of things to do.

st. albans just exudes "home church" to me.
i just feel it when i'm there. everyone's so great,
and they desire so much to make it a family.
it reminds me of how st. matthias used to be.
i can't wait to be involved there all the time.
and join the choir.

oddly enough, it's something i've been thinking about a lot lately.
just one of those weird things i'm really pumped about, along with
meeting people for lunch or coffee all the time.

and renting an apartment. and decorating it.

and having dinner parties. and watching shows/movies together.
and game nights. and the farmers' market. and whole foods.
and zoo trips. and trips to the capitol.
and the driving range. and to new orleans.
and covington. and highway 10.
and being at home.

luke.

i've always liked it when people called me luke.
something about girls having boys' names
always made me feel like i was in like flynn.
just a little tidbit.

so it's been forever since i've been on this thing,
and frankly, i don't even know where to begin.

hmm, some things that have happened since december that i can remember.

• christmas. the obvious.
• new years. also obvious.
• matt and rachel tied the knot. it was incredible. it still is.
• hired for one last summer at camp. so old.
• camp rendevous for vd. so great. still happening. still happy.
• san francisco. wow. san francisco definately happened.
• spring quarter began. which is key. it's so good.
• i turned 21. i still don't drink much. and it's still weird to be legal. mostly because i forget.
• skydived (skydove?) in a wind tunnel. so fun. i'm ready to go for real. in the fall.
• ben folds again. much better the first time but still awesome, of course.
• ACL lineup is out. i'm skeptical, but eager to improve my excitement.
• getting an accountability partner. got one.

i don't know what else to write.
i was way too ambitious in thinking i could just hop back on this train.
either way, i hope to be back soon.
and more often.

i've been really bummed out lately.

about everything.

i wasn't ready for this quarter to start.
i'm still burnt out from fall quarter,
and frankly,
i wasn't ready for spring quarter to end.
but it did.
and things are different.
and it was all ok until a few days ago.

i tend to be melodramatic when in emotional ruts like this one.
when i'm searching for feeling and i can't find it.
when i don't feel like i can connect to anything.
at least i know it's me being melodramatic,
and that this rut is incredibly temporary.

i'm sure it's just apathy. i know it is.
i want people and fun and a social life and good grades to come to me.
but i don't feel like any of it.
i don't listen to any of it.
i don't take advantage of any of it.
it's miserable and lame.
admittance helps i think.

i need a good cry to happen and some girl talk.
the girl talk is happening soon,
the cry always seems to come when it feels like it.
until then,
a smidge of pictures of people who makes me happy.